i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
