I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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