Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
