if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
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I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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