Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
