and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
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Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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