You're a womanizer and a bitch.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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