I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
