I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on