im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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