1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
