I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
