Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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