to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
