You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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