Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
