This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
