I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
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One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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