Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
