so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
