Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
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You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize