All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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