best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
