i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
