So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
