wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
