and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
