why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
