The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
