If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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