You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
