She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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