were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
