tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
