I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
