Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
