This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
