my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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