Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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