Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
