please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
