there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
