dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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