i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
