i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
