My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
