I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
