Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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