my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I look better un-naked...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
