i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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