God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
