but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
